Lessons Learned

Anniversary is the wrong term; the word anniversary should be kept separate from occasions of sadness, it should be kept for only good things, things to be celebrated. Let’s use the term day of remembrance for the sad things because that is what it is; a day to to remember both the unpleasant thing that happened on that day while also remembering, hopefully with fondness, the people impacted by that unpleasant thing.

Today’s weather is perfect for this day of remembrance; complete cloud cover, no chance of the sun peeking through, the wind pushing the Fall leaves from their branches to skitter across the ground wet from rain showers. The opposite of the weather that day 19 years ago; a bright sunny warm Fall day.

There was work to be done that Saturday; for me it was a few early morning hours in the office, for him…..

I had suspected, as the weather was so lovely, he would have taken the opportunity to get in a round of golf, and told him just that when I arrived home in the late morning and found him repairing the driveway. He admitted he had considered it, but knowing that we had guests coming for dinner that evening he determined it was best to get some work done around the house.

And he was industrious that day; inside the house he had cleaned the bathrooms and washed the floors, there was the aforementioned work on the driveway, wood was chopped, the lawn mowed. Finally he knocked off for the day, came in and took a shower. A short time later as I was upstairs I heard a kitchen cabinet close and came downstairs to teasingly admonish him to stay out of the dessert I had prepared for that nights dinner.

It was not a kitchen cabinet closing that I had heard, it was my husband collapsing to the floor as his heart gave out on him.

From that moment forward the day was a horror, and for the last 19 years I think of October 24th with a sense of dread and unhappiness. But this year I am having a bit of a rethink…….

Like anyone he could get cranky and be downright unpleasant at times, but they were brief occurrences, evaporating almost as quickly as they appeared. The majority of the time he was happy. There was singing (bad singing, but done with such joy you could overlook his habit of making up the lyrics), dancing (before I met him I never believed those movies that showed couples spontaneously dancing in the kitchen), and teasing (oh how he loved to tease people, prodding until you just couldn’t help but laugh with him).

If I look past the horror of what that day became I begin to remember the happy…

When I left for the office he murmured something as I kissed him goodbye; many an hour has been spent trying to remember what he said, but the clear memory I have is standing in the doorway looking back at him in our bed, smiling to myself as I thought “No one should be allowed to be as disgustingly happy as I am”.

I had a list of household chores to get done that day and I smile at the memory that he had done the two things on the list he knew I really disliked doing.

The simplest of the happy things that day that I remember is twice taking him out something to drink and the quiet enjoyment of sitting on the front stoop with him talking about nothing in particular.

 

Doodle Adventures

Book Review: American Gods by Neil Gaiman

 

I always need to remind myself that Neil Gaiman stories do not grab me right from the beginning.  His stories always seem to start out like you skipped the first few chapters, you know the ones that introduce you to the characters and give you a bit of background, so for a while I always feel a bit lost but then the click happens, things fall into place and I become involved in needing to know what happens next.
Having read the Iron Druid Chronicles by Kevin Hearne I found myself knowing about many of the mythically characters referenced (I found myself wistfully smiling when Ratatoskr made his appearance) and familiar with the idea of what happens when a god is no longer worshipped.

This tale to me is a multi faceted morality tale; the morality of a man doing what he believes is right, the morals people will toss aside in order to get what they want, the morals of the old way versus the new/

Four Simple Words

 

‘You brighten my day’; four words that turned my otherwise ordinary day into something special.

 

For the last month I have been slipping out of the office on Wednesday afternoons to spend a few hours with my grandmother (Memere).  She is 90+ years old and has had some health concerns the last several months which was the motivator I needed to push myself out of my comfortable scheduled life to make more time for this enormously important person. I enjoy having the singular privilege of being her only Godchild.

 

Today during our visit she just said those four words out of blue and then went on with our conversation.  The moment was made all the more special due to the fact that for the last year she has spoken with a stutter that causes her to pause between her words, but these four words were said without stutter or hesitation. 

 

I ended my visit as I always do; a hug, a kiss, an I love you, and the simple question ‘May I come back next Wednesday?’ I received a smile and a ‘yes’ in response. All the way home I smiled and told myself how blessed I am.

 

While the words showed me that I made a difference in someone’s life, it also served as a reminder that I can pass that feeling on by showing the same simple kindness to those who make an impact on my life.

 

At the closing of the year

There is a negativity to the world right now that just seems more oppressive than ever.  And it just seems to be creeping into everything,  I hear constantly “2016 was a horrible year”.  I even found myself today thinking that my year had been bad, luckily just a few minutes of thinking proved that wrong.  I won’t say it was a fantastic year but on balance it was way more positive than negative.

January found me exploring the side roads of Topsham.

February brought our 20th anniversary of our wedding and the sadness of having spent 18 of those years without him.

March found me exploring Mackworth Island.

Hamilton House & Vaughan Woods got explored in April.

Doodles joined the troupe in May just in time for a hike into Poplar Falls

June got Whale Watch checked off of my bucket list.

July was a busy month: Lubec, Eagle Lake, The Golden Road, Celtic Music Festival, Artisan Bread Festival and Open Farm Day.

In August I got to check the Great Falls Balloon Festival off my list, and kayaking.  A visit to the White Mountain National Forest rounded out the month.

Angel Falls was conquered in September and I warmed many a bleacher watching the darling girl playing Field Hockey.

October brought the road trip to Florida and some much overdue quality time with a dear friend.

Thanksgiving was spent at the Smithsonian in Washington.

I rounded the year out with Christmas in Acadia.

 

 

 

It’s not about the presents

Them: “What do you want for Christmas?”

Me: “How about we do something special together instead of exchanging gifts?”

Them: “Well I have to get you something.”

For years I have been moving away from the commercialism that Christmas seems to have become, focusing on the experiences instead. I have kept his tradition alive of leaving the Christmas lights on and the Christmas music playing through Christmas Eve to Christmas morning.  In the years of living alone I have created new traditions;

• Decorating is a quiet afternoon carefully un-wrapping the cherished ornaments received from family and friends being filled with the memories of years past.
• Christmas cards received are left unopened until Christmas morning when time is taken to savor each one.

The difficulty I experience is with the gift exchange. I have had the conversation above in one form or another more times than I can count.  I am financially secure, if there is something material I need I will get it for myself, I do not need someone to purchase something for me because they feel they have to.  I see the frustration and stress that people put themselves through at this time of year and it saddens me.

I wonder why some cannot put together the fact when they talk about what they enjoyed during the holidays it is not the gifts they speak of but the time spent together.

This year I have chosen to take a stand: if I am asked what I want for a gift I politely advise that I have made a choice to no longer receive or give gifts.  Any gifts presented to me will be declined with a sincere thank you for thinking of me but reiterating my choice.

Condeming a place for the actions of people

A couple of years ago I spotted Mackworth Island on the map, wanting to find out more I did what everyone does, I Googled it.  I first learned that it is a state park, then I learned that it was also the location of the Governor Baxter School for the Deaf.  What I came across next was an editorial by a man who’s sister had been abused by members of the school administration, the indication is that the abuse of students had been going on for decades up to the early 1980’s.  The title of the editorial was “Why I hate Mackworth Island”.

After reading the editorial my instinctual reaction was “there was no way I was going to visit a place where such horrible things had occurred.”

Last summer while driving down Route 1 I saw the sign for the school and curiosity had me turning down the road.  As I crossed the bridge I could see the public beach was a very popular spot on that hazy, hot, and humid Saturday.  There were absolutely no parking spaces so I turned around and headed back the way I had come.  At the time the editorial was still front and center in my memory.

As I have expanded the list of Maine based people I follow on Instagram I have seen multiple pictures posted with only lovely things said about the location.  Which beagn me questioning my initial reaction.  Why was I condemning a place for the actions of people?  It did not take long for me realize that my condemnation of the island based on that article was wrong and so the island has returned to my list of places to explore, and this past Saturday I was able to enjoy a beautiful morning walking the state park trails and seeing a spectacular sunrise.

I will admit that the editorial did creep back into my mind as I walked by the school, but rather than feel revulsion for the place I was moved to offer a simple prayer; for those who suffered to find peace, and hope for such a horrible thing to never happen again.

The purpose of the path

I was fascinated, as I always am, by the rock stairs built on the trails.  In looking at this photo I am curious as to the purpose.  If this is meant to be a spot for safe crossing of the water it is contradicted by the fact that just on the other side of the carriage road bridge you see a small wooden bridge crossing the water, so why would I make a water crossing when I need only travel a 100 feet farther to cross by bridge.

Perhaps there is a more mystical reason for this path; is it the spot where the water sprites emerge and walk the path to the human world?

Fairy Tales

The view from either side of this bridge clearly said “Fairy Tale” to me.  Walking on what is known in Acadia National Park as a Carriage Road it took no effort to visualize Cinderella’s Pumpkin Carriage trundling down the path.

Christmas 2015

When I was very young I saw a Christmas commercial that showed a smallish tree in the middle of a field lit entirely with blue lights.  I believe it is this moment that has fueled my fascination with Christmas trees out in nature.  It is something I spot rather quickly and no matter the time of year or weather I picture it decorated with lights and surrounded by snow.

I also believe that this commercial is what draws me to the color blue.